Alright…….Hey Guys!! I’m back with another miniseries post on my single-hood journey. In my wildest dreams I would never have thought that one day I’d get to describe the type of guy I’d marry to the world, but guess what?? I’m feeling spontaneous LOL. I can honestly say that this post has been triggered by the previous previous post #Singleton. So I’ve decided to write this based on that and party because:
1. I’ve been asked the this question severally in the last week, and probably 100+ times after posting about the series.
2. I’ve never really sat down and thought through my answer, as it evolves a bit from time to time and year to year.
3. I think it would be quite hilarious if I print this out and hand over to whoever asks me this question……Hahaha 🤣
In all honesty, my wish list for a guy is now shorter than it used to be. Mostly because I’ve learned how to sort out what is “negotiable” and “non-negotiable” for me, and also coz reality kicked in and the dreamy fairy men we see in TVs and movies are created. Also, I have learnt some lessons from dating and watching friends’ relationships, but mostly from getting to know myself and understanding myself better.
I’m far from looking for Prince Charming, knowing that I’m certainly not Princess Charming all the time……. Hahaha I know I’m a tough cookie to crack at times!! But I’d like to think there’s a guy out there who could be a cool fit for me, and me for him, and that we could spend a marriage learning (key word – LEARNING) how to love one another really well and bring out the best in each other.
So anyway, for inquiring minds who might want to know, here’s my ”list” as at July 2019. I can bet a decade ago it would have been totally different with a lot of Tall, Dark and handsome/6 pack/beard gang/Idris Elba and Brad Pitt.………..A girl is allowed to dream Aye!! I am sure the list will continue to evolve and maybe have additions, but as of today I am looking for a guy who is:
Like, naturally kind. Not kind just because he thinks it’s the right thing to do, or because he thinks it will benefit him in some way, but deep-down KIND.
A guy who genuinely wants to know how you are doing. A guy who lends a hand or gives to help someone without thinking twice. A guy who quite simply has what I think of as “character”, who you trust and really want to be around.
This is a difficult one to explain, there is a saying that says treat the janitor the same way as the CEO. Kindness should not be accorded to those who deserve it, it should be accorded to all humanity. Being kind is one of the most attractive things to me.
2. A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST
Alternative title for this one? That awesome mix of Smart+ Curious+Thoughtful. I believe all of those things come together to form a good conversationalist, which is a totally non-negotiable for me. Actually, let’s frame that more positively — I absolutely adore a guy I enjoy talking to.
If you know me too well you know that I enjoy talking and holding down a conversation. I know girls sometimes get a bad rap for being the ones who always “want to talk”. But I quite frankly can’t imagine marrying a guy who doesn’t want to talk. The coolest guys I know (and have dated) are the ones who love the art of conversation, and are always interested in really getting to know people and what’s happening in the world. And who don’t shy away from a good conversation.
I mean, let’s be real. Looks? Sex? Careers? Beard? Hair? There are so many things about relationships that probably won’t be a major factor when we’re both 90. But being able to look each other in the eye and talk about the big, the small, the serious, the funny, the difficult, the exciting, the hopeful things about life? Call me crazy, but that’s one of the things I’m most looking forward to in a marriage. To have a guy I love to talk to as we begin our relationship together, all the way until we’re holding hands talking in a nursing home as we end our lives together? That’s something I dream about.
And all the better if he’s a funny guy since I tend not to take life too seriously at times. And the way to my heart is through laughter.
3. A THOUGHTFUL CHRISTIAN
Yeah you heard me right……. I didn’t stutter!!
People assume a lot about me especially those who don’t know me at all. Yes I love having fun and drinking my whiskey, but when it comes to matters Christianity I don’t mess around with that. This is probably the most delicate of them all. Or maybe it’s the most straightforward of them all.
Basically, I consider myself a Christian, Catholic for that matter, and would love to find a guy who believes the same. Quite simply, I’m looking to marry a guy who’s interested in God .That said, I’m well aware that the “C” word encompasses a vast array of people with different backgrounds, different traditions, different viewpoints (theologically, politically, relation-ally, you name it), and more. And to each, his or her own. Faith is such a personal thing, and I have full respect for how everyone lives that out in a way that’s true to who they are. But for me, I’m looking for a guy who is quite simply — as Jesus said — really interested in seeking to love the Lord and his neighbour as himself.
Someone who gets that life is not always black and white, but who believes that there is a purpose and hope and Creator behind it all. Someone who prays, someone who is a part of a community seeking to follow Christ, and someone who humbly wants to learn and serve Him.
That said, this one is probably the one item on the list that whittles down the pool of guys out there the most, because I’m not just looking for a guy who goes to church. Or who checks the “Christian” box on the fill out forms. I’m looking for a guy who believes in God , and often those guys seem harder to find. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a pastor or church elder, not that there’s anything wrong with them but no thank you, I’ll pass.
Y’all didn’t think I’d leave this one off the list, did you?
Heck yes! I never been one of those girls to just look for a guy who has a “great personality”. I want a guy who I’m attracted to as well #Zaddy 😂 Or really, let’s be real, a guy who I want to kiss and feel good being seen with him #armcandy…..YUM!!
I went through that stage in my early twenties when I thought that the noble thing to do was give guys a “chance” with dating, even if there was zero chemistry. But that didn’t last long, because I’m pretty much convinced that physical attraction is a MUSTin getting things started. Sure, it can grow the more you get to know someone, but there has to be at least something there to start with. And after being single this long, I damn well hope that I find a guy who makes my heart beat a little faster when I see him.
That said, though, anything on a “list” for physically attraction has become pretty much negotiable. 10 years ago, I would have said tall, dark, handsome and skinny. Nowadays, I’d just say someone I find attractive, who is at least a few inches taller than me…..I know I know. Height should probably be on the negotiable list, but I’m really hoping it doesn’t have to be.
I feel like it should also be noted that as I get older, I tend to find more guys attractive whom I might not have considered years ago. But the fact still remains that some guys are more attractive to me, and others are more attractive to others. It all somehow seems to miraculously balance out in the world. But I’m definitely looking for a guy who I can tell my friends I think he’s “cute”😍😍
5. SOMEONE WHO HAS PERSEVERANCE
OK, this one may sound weird. But I kind of hope that I find someone who has been through something difficult in life. Not that I wish that on anyone ….God forbid, but I feel that things like heartbreak, loss, pain, injury, grief, and disappointment have this way of shaping us like nothing else in life. And — in a weird way, I would love to meet someone who has been through that.
Partly because I’d love to know that they have some sort of grid for navigating through rough times if (make that when) they come for us as a couple, and that they won’t run away. But also because I think that tough times build character, and I’m looking for someone who doesn’t fear the worst but knows how to press through and find goodness on the other side…….you understand what I mean?? Not a person who walks away when there is trouble.
See? I told you I was way too realistic for my own good. But the interesting thing about being single in your thirties is that I’ve not only had the chance to watch friends go through their first years of marriage, but I’ve watched them also walk through really rough times and separation and divorce and know how confusing and difficult those times can be. And how helpful it is when someone knows a bit what it’s like before something terrible happens. Not to say that someone who has lived a charmed life can’t have character or perseverance or faith or strength to make it through. But I would prefer to date and marry someone who has been there at least once before.
The good news about dating in your thirties is that I think those sort of people outweigh the others, thanks to good ol’ time.
6. A TRAVELLER
This one could arguably be on the “negotiable” list, but I really really hope that it isn’t. I would love to marry a man who loves to travel!!!
I think this ties back into #2, as someone who’s curious. The older I get, the more I really want to make travelling and seeing the world a priority in my life. I know that different seasons bring opportunities for travel, and Disney World or a trip to visit the grandparents might be the most realistic option when you have young kids. But even then, I hope to budget time and money in my life to visit places. And I’d love a guy who wants to do the same.
- his family — very important, no matter how awesome or dysfunctional they may be
- his job — would really love a guy who enjoys and finds meaning in what he does for a living
- to serve — volunteering, raking leaves for the neighbours, helping with dishes, you name it — service is sexy
- to give — especially time and money, freely and thoughtfully
- Food!! — I mean, hello, have you met me? I enjoy good food!!
- to have fun — someone who really knows how to laugh and enjoy life is a MUST!!
- Music and Dance — I’m always listening to music and I love dancing.
8. SOMEONE I REALLY LIKE!
And respect. And admire. And think is cool. And just in general enjoy being with.
I’ve dated plenty of guys who quite simply didn’t fully fit that bill. I didn’t really like them. And it wasn’t fun. And it wasn’t worth the time away from my friends and my me time. So until I find a guy who I really like, you get to enjoy more single posts from the ol’ blog. But I’m hoping that there’s some guy out there who I’ll really like who might change that eventually. I guess we will see……..wink!
I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but that seems close enough for now.
I will say I never thought id be making a ”list” for a guy at 31. but i guess the good news is that I at least like this list much better than the one I had a decade ago.
So to all of you my single, married and ”in a relationship” friends- what is or was on your list? What life experiences would you add to this conversation?